Extended Lie

Just woke up sitting in the stairs with y palm on my cheek. I look myself in the mirror with my sleepy eyes and frenzy hair. Is its still me? did I grew up according to what my parents want me to? so many questions just rushing in my mind. All I did was stare to where ever my eyes feels comfortable to look. Was it another dream last night that I feel empty today. If it was a dream why did I feel the pain in my chest? why did I made a murmur? was it just a dream or something happened to me last night in which I just don't want to think about it.

As I gasp some air to refresh my mind. So many things I wanted to do, so many plans I want to implement, so many suggestions I want to follow. All those things just pass my mind. It feels frustrating when everyone thinks that they think what you know don't exist. Or the thing that they all know were just fake. You yourself knows the real story and the real deal and things are not the same as they expect and see.But no matter how hard you try you just cant make it. Its like standing in a corner and being useless. You keep trying but still everything is the same. It's like your effort are just being eaten down easily but just brag down your self wort. Pulling your self confidence to the lowest part of your being. When people look at you with sympathy and pity when they found out that it was all wrong. You its not what they think and imagine about you while you yourself had observe the things that were happening around you.

It fees bad when everyone wants and what everybody desires are and agreed was not the thing that happened to you. That its not what they were all thinking in the first place. When all they see was not the truth that was revealed instead it was just an immersion and social denial. When everyone turns there back and conclude. As denials were told and done and shown, criticisms and comparison happened. Letting go of it would be the solution to stop the torment and end the started situation. Its a game that is easy to start but hard to finish.

How can you propose when there are some people that are waiting and observing for your relationship to fall and break. When you noticed that your standing in the place were assumption is placed. Would you tell the words that will made her die inside? even if things are so extrovert. I don't want to arrive to a conclusion that at least I told her. So what If I said it, it was just all garbage that run out from my mouth because there were no feelings attached on it. And i don't want to abuse those line that can change someones feelings to others the moment they hear it.

If telling was an assurance then promises should not be broken. Even signing a piece of paper in front of the altar is not even an assurance to someone you are committed of.At least if she will deny me its not that heavy to accept because there was a level were we assumed.